An Advice Column By And For Rivertowns Residents

by Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP

Dear Donna,

My niece’s wedding is coming up soon. The problem is her sister is not talking to my daughter. Plus, both my daughters are in conflict with each other. How do I navigate this? If I go, I feel like I’m betraying my daughter. If I don’t, I’m letting down my niece. I also have to deal with my own siblings and various underlying grudges. Help!

Signed,
Aunt of the Bride

Dear Aunt of the Bride,

Sibling problems are as old as Cain and Abel! I’m sure there are experts in sibling rivalry that could tell us why this happens; likely a response to limited resources of the family, thereby creating competition. “A relationship with siblings is one of the earliest and longest-lasting relationships people develop,” says Dr. Susan Albers of the Cleveland Clinic. “Siblings are a child’s first peer group where they learn critical social skills like how to share, how to manage conflict, and how to communicate.” However, you are describing multiple conflicts at once.

The thing about weddings is, for one, hopefully they only happen once, so there is a lot of pressure on everyone involved to make it perfect. Perhaps that is a myth. Indeed, bringing different families together, even your own, can be inherently fraught. So set expectations low and calm, show up on time, and be polite. That’s step one. If the parties in question are all adults, they can make their own decisions about where to sit or when to leave or even whether to go at all. You, however, are not letting anyone down. You can model for them how to show up and navigate but you can’t make them do it. For your daughters in conflict with each other, they can show up without engaging in their issues. They can work on their relationship another time, not on the “big day.” I once counseled two sisters right before one’s wedding — it really helped them to clear the air leading up to the event. This wedding could be something that dredges up old and new grudges. But with your leadership, it could also be an opportunity for healing. Why waste the chance?

Best,
Donna

Dear Donna,

Lately, I find myself getting into disagreements with friends over hot-button political issues. I don’t like to argue with people for the sake of arguing, but I don’t want to pretend to agree with someone I don’t agree with just for the sake of keeping the peace. On the other hand, I don’t only want to make chitchat with people about trivial topics. What is the best way to handle these situations?

Sincerely,…